Thursday, March 15, 2012

Filled with Joy

There is nothing special about today. Nor was there anything special about the past week. Today I am simply feeling so blessed and beside myself. (even though after you read this post you will think I am crazy as to why I feel blessed and happy). 

I have decided that I will be ending my time here at Precious Blood Ministry of Reconciliation at the end of March-- in two weeks. It was definitely a hard decision for me, however I have that feeling that it is time to move onto something new. Its that invisible wall that I believe I have hit, and some new doors opening elsewhere. But just a crack. I can't see where they lead and I don't know which one to choose. So, that in itself is an adventure that I feel so blessed and excited to take. 

One of the hardest things that I have had to do is tell the boys that I will be leaving shortly. Some just look at me and say, alright cool. Others are bummed and ask why? That lingering question... why? When I explain the why to my friends, family and co-workers its easy. But explaining it to them is much harder. 

To friends, family and co-workers-- I am leaving because I miss that physical sense of support. I miss my friends and family. I am unsure with what more I could do here. If I jump on a new project now, I would feel guilty leaving mid-way through (June/July/August). And currently here in Chicago, to be blunt, I don't have a lot of interaction with others my own age outside of work. (Though some of these things are petty I realize, they are also the things that keep me motivated and going. Without them I feel lonely and so unmotivated that I don't even recognize myself some days.)

If I try to say all those things to them-- the straight up answer, especially the friends and family part.... 
Actually, I told one of them that I missed my friends and family. And how I felt like I didn't have a whole lot of that here... His reply--- "Yeah, but we are your friends and family!" (didn't see that one coming, my heart may have dropped a bit.) 

It makes me feel guilty sometimes. I have an escape from this destructive neighborhood. Even living 10 minutes from where I work, on the weekends I escape to different parts of the city just to walk and explore. Yet, the kids that I work with, ones that have lived here their entire lives have never even been downtown. I have a phone that I can make phone calls... endless ones... to friends and family found all over the country. I have all this support. I am blessed with so many things. I feel a little guilty picking up and leaving.

I knew that this day would come. That the countdown would eventually take place. And I supposed I assumed I would have feelings such as the ones I am expressing. But living them is so much different than assuming. 

Every change we make in our lives, every step we take has to have some kind of challenge right? (or is that just my luck, because I feel like I am challenged with everything I want to do... its never easy for me). If there were no challenge where would the adventure be right? (At least that's what I keep telling myself!) 

So, as I live out these last 2 weeks here at Precious Blood Ministry of Reconciliation, I won't be counting down the days. Instead I will be counting the blessings that I have, looking for the things I have learned and  listening to the stories that walk through that door. I can't change the world, but I can do good for those who ask right? 

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