I think that I am finally gaining a little trust. Before I used to walk into a room and everything would go quiet. If the boys were joking around talking about whatever, they would just stop smile and stare at the ground. Now, they just keep on talking. The other day I was just sitting in the kitchen for probably an hour just talking... them talking about cars, music or whatever..... me listening and chiming in if I had anything to say. Then all of the sudden, they were asking me questions. Not silly things, but more serious things. (At this time I would like to thank my father, guess what, I actually do listen when you are lecturing me about my car!) They started asking me car questions, because I told them that someone was haggling them about their car troubles..... (I don't think I would EVER take my car to be fixed down here. Everyone is out to get more out of you. You take a car in, they tell you that you need to fix $1,000's of dollars worth of crap. In reality those things don't need to be fixed. Then if you do take it to be fixed regardless, there is the possibility that they break something on your way out so that you have to come back.... coooool, ok I shouldn't say this for ALL cases, but... it happens). It's funny because from the car conversation, it developed into a bank conversation. Savings, checking accounts, DO NOT GET A CREDIT CARD, all the way to money CD's. I can honestly say that I struggle with all that money stuff. But my information to them was like opening a door they had never thought of. Instead of walking around with a wad of cash duhhhh open a checking account..... Things like that. It's nice to finally feel, I'm not exactly sure what the right word is.... lets go with "accepted." Finally!
I went out to lunch the other day with the girl I used to tutor to talk about whats been going on and if she wants to come back. Within the first 5 minutes she looked at me and simply says, theres something different about you since the last time I saw you (probably at least a month ago). I asked her what it was, and all she said was she thought I looked happier. The smile on my face wasn't forced, the way I carried myself now vs. when I first met her, was completely different. Like I was stronger or something. All I could think was did I look that bad before? Could people tell that I was definitely out of my comfort zone, forcing myself through the thick of the beginning? I guess I don't have such a great mask after all. (I had a soccer coach yell at me one time because I wore my expression on my face, there was no way I could tell a lie with my expression. I guess he was right, and so is the girl). But I'm not trying to hide anything anymore. I am happier now, and I do feel stronger but that's because I finally feel comfortable in my own shoes. Apparently I don't adjust as quickly as I wish I could.
So, to a new subject.... I need something. I need a project. Something to call my own. Something that I want to see at Precious Blood. Some kind of creative cool thing that I can tackle and accomplish.... I don't know what that thing is? Its like every time I put my thinking cap on, this cloud comes and sits over my head blocking out anything I should be thinking about.... thought? anyone?
These days I look forward to checking my mailbox! I used to go weeks in college and never check the box because it would be a waste of time. Nowadays, I get real stuff in the mail! Whether is a Christmas card, (oh and some b-day cards in there too) or just a hey how are ya letter OR a sweet care package from some awesome people back in good ol' Missouri! (Or maybe I am just anticipating some snow boots I ordered online, to get me through the crazy snow that is promised to come soon enough.) Either way, I love getting a little something because it helps me realize that I've got some support out there. I have been here for roughly 4 months. Things around me are starting to sink in as every day life. I almost forget how the outside world works. I know it sounds weird and kind of dumb. I've accepted life here on the South side as normal. I'm not shocked by a whole lot anymore, but when I tell someone about work or whatever back home, or just outside of where I work... they just shake their head and kind of laugh, out of shock and just say, Oh Bon, you life.... (Guess what... I like it, my life that is.)
The biggest thing that I think I have conquered this week is the fact that... yeah I feel kind of alone sometimes, but if I feel alone its only because I have chosen to feel alone. I have made friends here (ok they might not consider me a friend, friend, but they are all I have... the boys at the center), I have awesome co-workers (they bet on my sister having her new baby, on what time he would come! Regardless, the money came to me to go buy a little present representing Precious Blood, maybe I should go buy a little pair of sweet kicks, since that's what the boys always buy, new shinny shoes?), I have family and friends and even people I don't even know out there thinking about me.... Sounds pretty awesome to me!
So with that little sweet realization I have to give a little shout out to my GODSON! Little Harrison Bryan Norman is here, and healthy! 11:21am 8lbs 9oz. (true Kane baby right there) 21in. long. I got to skype with everyone while they were at the hospital, me at work. I cannot wait to get home and chillax with the little man! I am so happy for my sister and brother-in-law! Congrats!
And with that... I am off to ponder what sweet little something to get the new guy, I get lost somewhere for the weekend :)